In the Netherlands, you may or may not know, we tend to enjoy activities that are best done on a flat surface. Thus, we’re quite good at soccer and even better at iceskating. Downhill skiing we’re not so good at and I’m not sure but I suppose nobody is really all that good at uphill skiing. I’d love to receive any Youtube links you may have lying around of people who are. Anyway, iceskating is one of our national passions, along with high-starch foods and casual racism. And the pinnacle of this is not the European or World Championship, nor is the any Olympic iceskating event. We like those, sure, but we LOVE the Elfstedentocht.

It’s a tour of about 200 kilometres, which passes through or near eleven cities in the province of Friesland. We’re not talking about a sports arena or even doing some laps on a big lake: this is a tour of the province that will see you go through city centres and near-deserted fields. I use the word ‘city’ somewhat sarcastically when speaking of Friesland, but in a legal sense at least, that is what they are.

An Elfstedentocht is a rare event: the last one was held in 1997 and the winner, a farmer called Henk Angenent, has become a celebrity and a national treasure with roughly the same status as Neil Armstrong. In the 20th century there were only 15 races, as the ice on the entire track needs to be at least 15 centimetres thick before it can support the weight of hundreds of racers and thousands of onlookers. In 1985 the ice was so bad the race really should not have taken place, but the organisers were put under such pressure that they did indeed allow skaters to start. Sure enough, the race was ended prematurely, though another farmer called Evert van Benthem managed to get to the finish in 6 hours and 47 minutes. Most people need longer than that and it is not usual for people to take 10, 15 and even 20 hours to finish.

They day of the race is magical. Naturally, it’s all televised. Nowadays that is no big deal: any event that is even slightly more more substantial than a hobo bying a packet of gum is covered by at least 200 reporters and nearly as many helicopters. Still, in 1985 that was still unusual and I recall having the day off from school because nobody (not even teachers) would have shown up anyway: the entire country is watching the event, either on their sofa or from a fold-up chair along the 200 km track. By the way, 1985 was the first time that women were allowed to enter as competitors, rather than amateurs. If that sounds rather unenlightened for a nation such as ours, remember that the tour prior to that was held in 1963, when sexism was still something men were allowed to enjoy.

Anyway, any winter where there is enough ice to support even the smallest of malnourished ducklings, the Dutch will begin to speculate about the Elfstedentocht. It hardly ever happens that there is a long enough period with below zero temperatures so that the ice is thick enough, though. Will 2012 be one of those years? We hope so. It is the event that unites us more than anything and it will almost certainly create a new Dutch legend.

Probably another farmer…

So, you’re in a hotel. You’ve got your iPhone, your iPad, maybe some other gizmo and ofcourse your laptop. What you want is Internet Connectivity.

Sadly, the hotel offers wi-fi only. There is a wireless network without password protection. If you connect, all you see is a portal. Pay a fee and presto, you’re online with that device.

Too bad you will have to pay AGAIN for your other devices, eh? After all, the internet access is now linked to your laptops MAC-address. It can surf the web, but your other stuff can’t.

Now if the hotel had WIRED internet you’d be laughing. You’d connect your laptop to it, start a new wireless network via Airport and hey presto, wifi for everybody (who has the password of your impromptu network, that is). THAT variation has been very well documented on all the other pages you’ve found. (Or here.)

But in this case the hotel DOESN’T have a wired network connection. Most don’t, these days. Now you’re screwed: the wireless router can’t connect TO a wireless network, it can only RUN one. For internet access, it needs to be wired to something.

You have a laptop. It has Internet Sharing. I hope to God you had the good sense to get a Macbook because if you’re on Windows, you are in for a world of pain. Also, I won’t be writing about your situation, though in theory the same applies.

Here’s what you do:

1. Fire up the Macbook. Connect to the portal. Pay up.

2. Start the router. Connect it to your Ethernet port with a cable and use DHCP to get a connection, so you can change the settings. (You did write down the username/password on the damned thing in marker, didn’t you?) If you don’t know the router IP, try 192.168.0.1 or look it up: it’s TELLING you its IP in the settings, under ‘router’.

Make it run a local network, preferably on the 10.0.0.x range (subnet 255.255.255.0, don’t forget to select a network ssid and set a password) and set it to get its internet connection via DHCP. Now I hope you did this right because it’s time to disconnect. Restart it first, just to make sure. (Note: you could be doing this via one of your wireless thingemabobs, perhaps.)

3. Now configure the ETHERNET connection (not the Airport connection, you need that to GET internet from the hotel) manually (‘handmatig’ in Dutch) as follows:

You’ll note that I’m using 192.168.0.102 as the ‘router’. Substitute this for the local IP you have from the hotel wifi, which is your Airport-IP. DNS 8.8.8.8 is actually a free DNS-service by Google. You shouldn’t need it, I’m using it anyway. In fact, I’m terrified to change anything after I’ve been figuring this out for two days.

Got that? Now go to Sharing and set up Internet Sharing as follows:

So share internet via Airport TO ethernet. Make sure it RUNS. Disable firewalls, I hear those get in the way.

Now, plug in your cable in your Ethernetsocket and then connect it to your router. The thing is, DO NOT connect it to the outgoing ports. To clarify: if you have a router with 4 ports, it will have 5 connectors. One is for connecting the router to the internet (usually via a modem), that’s the one we want now. (When you were configuring the damned thing, you were using one of the other ports.)

If all is well, your Macbook, via the magic of Internet Sharing, will now give your router all the info it needs via DHCP. Any wireless devices that connect to your local network (the 10.0.0.* one, remember) should now be able to access the web.

So in summary:

- DHCP does all the work, except for setting the Ethernet details on your Macbook

- Apple’s internet sharing uses the 192.168.2.* range. I hear it’s different in Lion. You can test what it is at home, by setting up Internet Sharing via Airport first to see what happens. (Also, I’d set all this up at home if I were you.)

- Change the cable to a different socket on your router once you’ve configured it. (You may be able to keep an eye on the router via one of your mobile devices once you have local wifi up and running.)

- Your laptop will need to run all the time to provide connectivity.

- Internet now runs from the hotel wifi to your laptop (via airport), then via ethernet (cable on your laptop) to the router and then from the router via wifi to your devices.

- You will not be able to connect to your laptop from your wireless devices, because they are on different local networks. Your iPad will be, say 10.0.0.2 and your laptop is 192.168.2.1, remember? So no go. Hey, nothing is perfect.

There are about 250.000 things that can and will go wrong here. And that’s if you’re on a MAC. It could be worse, you could be on Windows trying to get Internet Connection Sharing to work. Good look with that, sucka. See this site: http://www.martijnwarnas.nl/switch2mac okay?

This game, sadly, is not Grand Theft Auto: Los Angeles. Here’s a trailer:

We all wish it was GTA, even though it is clearly not. Sure, Rockstar had a hand in it and it has some similarities, but we were told it would not be GTA, it isn’t and still… we’re all kind of sad, aren’t we?

We would not have expected it to be GTA if it were, say, set in space. Or if we were part of some elite military fighting force. Or little mute people with green crystals over our heads. But here’s the thing: it’s GTA in so many respects, you can’t help wondering why they didn’t put some extra effort in to MAKE it GTA.

You have your enormous city, rendered in great and loving detail. That’s GTA. There are lots of different cars. Like in GTA. You can walk around, climb, punch, shoot, enter (some) shops, houses and other buildings. You take cover or hide, you chase cars, you find drugs. Remind you of something? You go on missions, make choices, run, fight or talk. You do well or you have to try again. You collect things, often well hidden, that give you points. Meanwhile, we’re not bouncing off of big mushrooms, nor are we generals overlooking a battlefield of Zergs. All signs, therefore, point to GTA.

Which this game is not.

I have a list. A long, boring, obvious list. You may want to gloss over it. It’s a very detailed list of things that make this game unlike and WORSE than GTA.

- You can’t really choose weapons. All you have is a pistol and whatever you pick up from dropped enemies. In fact, you can’t even choose WHEN to pull out your gun.
- You can’t collect cars. You can find all kinds of models, but as soon as a mission ends, somehow you lose them. No garages either.
- There is a radiostation that I’d really like to listen to. You can’t, really. Someone is always yapping away, be it your partner or the dispatcher.
- There IS free roam, but you have to earn it AND you always have a partner tagging along. You can’t cause (much) mayhem, since you’re a cop.
- I am perfectly well aware there were no GPS-devices in 1947. I would be able to get over that anachronism if it saved me from having to study a Goddamned MAP every five minutes like I’m on vacation with the wife or something. It’s an 8 x 8 mile city. It’s HUGE and it’s also very flat. And square. Gimme a break here! It’s not as if cars in 40′s America had tiny rotating minimaps, is it?
- A loving recreation of 1947 downtown L.A. is really nice. If you happened to live there at the time, I mean. If you didn’t, like, say, 99.9999% of the people playing this game, most of that charm is lost on you and all you think is: ‘Wow, this city is FLAT. And dull. And repetitive. It’s more grid-like than a waffle-iron. I like waffles. Waffles… mmmm… OOPS RED LIGHT!’ CRASH. Points deducted.
- Lots of people are out and about, which is nice. Most of them seem to have suffered head trauma and are now talking to themselves as if they are on the phone. Which they are not.
- You can’t do anything fun. No movies, shows, hot dogs, streetraces, vigilante missions, burglary (remember GTA San Andreas) or even dating. But hey, you can sit down on park benches. That’s something.
- Although some missions play in the daytime and others play at night, there is no feeling of time passing, of weather changing, of this being a world that gets along perfectly fine without you. Because it isn’t. This city is a movieset, that behaves the way the director wants it to behave. Every street you enter feels like, a few seconds before, someone has yelled ‘Action!’
- It’s a game ‘on rails’. In fact, the only game I can think of that is MORE on rails is Microsoft Train Simulator. Well okay, maybe it’s not EXACTLY on rails but it’s like a rope around your neck has been tied to a train (on rails, of course). The best example of this is when, after you’ve been killed a few times trying to chase someone, the game offers to ‘skip this action scene without consequences.’ Yes, by all means, let’s get back to the talky bits shall we! Meanwhile, you’re doing car chases where the car you’re following suddenly teleports 100 metres down the road because you weren’t meant to catch it yet. WTF?!

Here’s another list. This is what makes L.A. Noir BETTER than GTA.

- Lots of climbing and chasing, which is fun.
- You can sit down. Sometimes.
- You can interrogate people. The outcome (mildly) changes the progress you make. Very mildly. Well, not really. Okay a bit. Tiiiiiny bit.
- Looks amazing. There’s the odd pop-up but generally speaking I love this era. Cars looked cool, people were well-dressed, advertising was pleasing to look at and people were worried about morphine. MORPHINE! Kids in daycare these days get morphine just to get them to nap.
- Female pubic hair. Sure, it’s only ever seen on corpses but still. You gotta giggle. Well, I do. (Also: the word ‘nigger’ is used freely. I’d never call anyone that, but I hate how I’ve been FORBIDDEN to use it.)
- Hats. Really cool hats. Hats are classy, man. I wish I could wear a hat without being mocked. And have whitewall tyres.

So yeah, L.A. Noir is a nice game with some nice puzzles and some nice action sequences (on rails) but you know… it ain’t Grand Theft Auto.

Maybe they’ll do a mod one day. I’d love to listen to that radio station.

The thing is, Vuze manages to do 4 things I really like, that I used to have to do with separate software and that I figured very few other people did. Not so, apparently. What is does is this:

Vuze lets you download torrents (1) with its easy to use built-in search engine (2) and then convert your download into whatever it needs to be (3) so you can play it in iTunes or, if you like, via your Xbox 360 or other mediaplayer. It’s also a media server for Xbox 360 on OSX (4), which is nice because you don’t have that option there. (In Windows, that is a feature of Mediaplayer.)

Why would you NEED that, you may ask. Though I think you don’t because you’ll have ended up here because of Google and they’re very good, you probably weren’t looking for desert recipes. Still, let us image you DID ask. Just for the hell of it.

Say you’ve seen a promo for a show you’re interested in. Something like, oh I dunno, ‘Only in America’ featuring Larry the Cable Guy. And you’d like to see that show in your living room.

1. Search for it (with Vuze). You’ll probably find a few episodes.
2. Click on them and Vuze will begin downloading. It’s a perfectly competent torrent-client, I shouldn’t be surprised if you managed to download an episode in fifteen minutes or so. This depends on the number of other people sharing though, so older stuff will take longer or may not be available.
3. Optional: drag the downloaded file to the converter (in Vuze). Say you have an Apple TV 2. They’re nice and quite inexpensive, for a mediaplayer. Vuze will convert the file (takes 10 minutes on my iMac, your results may vary) and copies the file into your iTunes directory.
4. Go downstairs, watch the show. If you have a media player that’ll play from any kind of network share you’d have skipped step 3.

My wife and I do this often. I’ll usually have a number of shows ready (we like House, Dexter, Eureka, stuff like that) that we watch whenever we feel like it, NOT whenever it pleases the TV-station to start the show. Also: no adbreaks!

Vuze even does a fifth thing: it can download torrents that come in via an RSS-feed. Via the excellent TVTorrents.com website I have arranged for an RSS-feed that features all the latest episodes of shows I like (The Daily Show, the Colbert Report, The Big Bang Theory, etc.) and Vuze monitors that feed. As soon as a new show appears, it will download it.

Granted, I’ll still have to drag it to the converter if I want to watch it via the Apple TV but I DON’T need to do that if I want to watch it via my Western Digital TV Live, a little box that connects to my network and will play all types of media files it can find on any network share it can access.

If I want to use my Xbox 360 to watch video (which CAN’T access network shares but also doesn’t need iTunes, it needs a media server and it’s quite picky about filetypes so it may need a converted file too) Vuze has got my back too: it will play the role of a media server for devices that need them. Small drawback there: it will only play files that are in its own media library. You can’t just point it to a folder on your harddisk. I dislike software that wants me to build libraries, but I forgive Vuze for that. Anyway, just drag a file to Vuze and it’s IN the library, no biggie.

So yeah, I have an Apple TV 2 in the living room (one in the bedroom, too), a WDTV Live in my office and an Xbox in my… bathroom. No, really. I have. I watch TV in the bathtub, do you have a problem with that? Good.

So, how much does Vuze cost? Well, nothing! I did, in fact, donate a few bucks because Vuze saves me so much hassle. It has changed the way I watch TV. I watch less now than I ever did before, but I don’t waste any time watching ads or having to wait for a new episode of my favorite show. (I’ll usually begin watching whenever an entire series is available and download that. Let others watch the crap that never gets past episode 3, I say.)

Converting files is just a matter of drag and drop. You merely need to indicate the type of device you’ll play the file on (anything from an Xbox to an iPhone) and Vuze will pick the best settings. It probably won’t handle everything you throw at it, but downloads for popular stuff tend to be in mainstream formats anyway.

You can also manage Vuze via a web-interface. Now I like my TV-shows, but not to the extent that I’ll want to manage my download cue from my iPhone when I’m on the road, thanksverymuch.

Here’s a list of the software I don’t need anymore because of Vuze:
1. Torrent client. (I still have uTorrent though, as it allows me to pick separate files or episodes from a torrent)
2. Connect360, a commercial (and very good) media server for the Mac, for those who use their Xbox 360 to watch video
3. iSquint, the software I used to convert video to iTunes. That was free, but it has been discontinued.

I find it’s much easier to find torrents via Vuze than via Google or a specialised site. (Though the Pirate Bay is quite good, ofcourse.) Vuze will search those sites FOR you.

Vuze is available for Windows and Mac. Downloading torrents of copyrighted files may be illegal in your country, but so most likely is waterboarding or bribing politicians and nobody minds that either. If you like Vuze, give them a few bucks for their trouble OR get the full version which also allows you to burn the files to DVD (meh… what’s so hard about that? Still, if you haven’t got something like Nero that’s a nice option to have), provides antivirus software (nice, but you’re probably already covered, right?) AND acts as a media streamer. By that they mean Vuze can start to play files that haven’t fully downloaded yet. Seems like a nice idea, but when did torrents ever download in chronological order? Also, Vuze Plus has no ads. Thing is, I don’t MIND ads. They barely even register. Vuze Plus charges $25 annually which is hardly big money but I don’t like subscription software. Still, not a bad price if you were also looking for affordable antivirus software.

So there ya go. That’s Vuze. I like it. A lot. So they’ll probably go bankrupt tomorrow…

More, entirely unrelated, stuff in English by the same author.

This year I’m 37. I’ve been using (and building and fixing) PC’s since windows 95 came out. In those 16 years, I have wasted and lost countless days thanks to the good yet incompetent people at Microsoft. Many a night and weekend I have spent with an opened PC, hard disks spilling out like the guts of a tauntaun the day after Wampa-ramadhan has ended, trying to fix what should not have gone wrong.

I switched to a Mac last year and like most religious converts I’ve turned into a bit of a zealot. Now I know Macs can and do go wrong. They’re made by the lowest bidder in China, after all. But what Apple engineers have gotten right is this: backup and recovery. More on this later.

Microsoft, however, hasn’t. This became evident when an elderly couple, who had purchased a Windows 7 based PC last year (because they WILL ask me to fix their stuff but they completely ignore any recommendations I make as to what they should buy), asked me if I’d have a look at their machine, which had suddenly refused to boot. After inspection I managed to get it to work with the Windows 7 install and repair disk (only needed 8 reboots, wonderful system that) and ran a diagnostic on the disk. The Western Digital 1 TB Caviar Green turned out to be as reliable as a Wall Street banker with a presidential pardon. Or so WD’s own diagnostic tool told me, which I am inclined to believe. The machine was only under warranty for 2 or 3 weeks (so I guess the selfdestruct mechanism kicked in a bit too early) so I recommended they (well, Muggins here) got a new drive for 50 euro so we could get the whole thing over with rather than having to ship the damn thing (a Medion, purchased at a fuckin’ SUPERMARKET no less) back to the manufacturer and get it back after 3 weeks with a factory reinstall and a refurbished harddisk. Not having any expertise in the matter, they agreed.

That was Monday morning. It’s Thursday evening as I write this. What I have learned is that I will FORBID my wife to get a new PC with Windows 7 on it.

Long story (fairly) short: you can’t clone a harddisk with Windows 7 on it to a new harddisk. Well you CAN, in that Easeus provides free software to do it. Only takes 24 hours on a 1 TB drive. But then you end up with a PC that doesn’t boot (which can be fixed with the Windows 7 install disk, thankfully – bootmgr seems to evade cloning, or could it be that Microsoft has invented the most retarded bootmanager ever? Several times over, I might add?) and when it DOES boot, you will find that Windows Update no longer works. The service refuses to start (well actually it does start) and after only 2 or 3 hours of Googling you find out that this is because Windows now thinks it’s an illegal copy. After all, the harddisk has changed and that seems to be cause for alarm. (After all, when do harddisk ever go wrong? Never. Absolutely never. That’s why there are over 100 backup-software companies.) Not that it MENTIONS this to you at all, oh no. That would be telling!

Now, Windows 7 backup DOES have 2 options that, at first glance, seem promising. First off all, there’s a backup. That’s nice, a backup. All your important files and folders, safely tucked away on an external USB drive, fresh copies every Sunday at noon… Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it? And then there’s SYSTEM image backup recovery or whatever it’s called. In other words: you can create an image of your system that you can restore at any time. Got a virus? Tried a few too many free and nasty freeware applications? Feel like a fresh start? Well, just put back the recovery image, then your backup and Bob’s your uncle.

Except… That backup will only work on the VERY SAME MACHINE you made it on. Identical down to the molecular level. So this Windows Backup is absolutely fucking useless when, oh I’ll just grab a random example out of thin air… lemmetink… how about… WHEN YOUR FUCKING HARDDISK DIED.

“But Martijn, or Martin, or whatever the fuck that ‘IJ’ sound in your name is,” I hear you mutter, you speccy cunt, “Microsoft has accounted for this! Simply reactivate Windows! Call that phonenumber, enter a simple series of 9 blocks of 6 digits (I kid you not) and you’ll get a code to reactivate Windows. Simple as that. They’re not bullies, over in Redmond, oh no! They UNDERSTAND hardware can go wrong. They’re only here to help you! But since there are 1 billion Chinese and Windows XP has only sold 15 copies in that country so far, can you BLAME them for being strict? They’re not like Apple, who deliver both hard- and software and therefore don’t NEED to worry about piracy because if you can run the OS you MUST have a piece of kit from Apple anyway. Whereas Microsoft has only ever produced a mouse, a keyboard and an MP3-player that nobody will touch with a ten foot pole!”

To which I say: I don’t care. My copy WAS legit and the fucking phone system told me it wasn’t. TWICE. They’ve been in this business at least 16 years (let’s chalk anything pre-Win95 up as ‘betatesting’ shall we) and they STILL can’t get it right.

Okay, so why is a Mac better? Macs have harddisks, made by the same feckless imbeciles at Western Digital or Samsung or… um… okay, either of those two companies. They can and do still fail. How’s THAT better?

Time Machine, that’s how. Motherlovin’ TIME MACHINE. Not only does it get you files back you deleted days or even weeks ago (depending on harddisk capacity) but you can even restore your Mac operating system. (How you can swap out a harddisk in one of those iMacs is another matter… I fear a toilet plunger may need to be called into action for that, to lift the damned Window out.) All you need is the damned OS install disk and a time machine harddisk and you’re done. Case closed. No cloning. No activating partitions. No missing bootmanagers. No nuttin’.

So if your Windows 7 PC refuses to run Windows Update or even to connect to windowsupdate.microsoft.com or you’re calling that number to reactivate Windows and it doesn’t work, here’s what you do:

Do a factory reinstall. It will ‘regenerate’ the ID for the new combination of hard- and software. That’s not hardcoded into the factory image, you see. You’ll be able to reactivate the install just when you did they day you bought it. Then take a full day (you’ll need it) to copy your backupped files, reinstall all your software and the 10 or 20 GB of Microsoft Updates plus your virus scanner-updates, Java updates, Microsoft .net framework files, your 300 MB HP printerdriver, your other shit AND THEN SELL THE DAMNED THING TO SOME OTHER MUG AND GET A MAC YOU CHEAP-ASS HOBO!

Hiya, Cracked!

This email is not for publication, but I did want to make a suggestion for a story. I do not, in fact, want to WRITE or research it, as I’m quite rich and famous enough already. But I did jot down some notes that one of your talented writers can certainly use as the basis for an awesome story. Just gimme a ‘story suggested by’ credit, if this is of interest to you. Here we go!

10 Awesome things the Dutch did

Holland. That’s where they ride bikes through red light districts on their way to get either drugs or free abortions, right? Tiny speck on the map, 17 million people and rather too much cheese and tulips for its own good? Well… yes. But  the Dutch kicked some serious ass back in the day and it’s what made them one of the richest, tallest, best educated and happiest people on this planet. Read ‘em and wheep, Yankee-boy! (Yankee, by the way, a contraction of Dutch names Jan and Kees. See what we mean?)

1. Opened Japan up for trade

Can someone else do the legwork on this? Thanks.

2. Created land from sea… in the steam era

Near the city of Haarlem was an inland lake nobody liked all that much. Dem fishies had ‘tude like you would not believe, though it was good for iceskating. Anyway, in 1850 the Dutch said: ‘Listen up lake, enough is enough. Drie up or else.’ The lake called them out on it so the Dutch built four HUGE steamengines and sucked that fucker dry. Today, Schiphol Amsterdam Airport and the municipality of ‘Haarlemmermeer’ (lit. Harlem Lake) are situated on that land, 5 metres below sealevel. If you’re a lake and the Dutch tell you to fuck off, you better start seeping.

3. Built the biggest flood defenses on the planet

The Delta Works were actually supposed to be built sooner, but that pesky WW2 messed up the schedule. Too bad, or they would have prevented the flood of ’51.

4. Created the first multinational

The East India Trading Company, known as the VOC, was the scourge of the Eastern world. Not only did it trade with (or, if at all possible, simply steal from) anyone and everyone east of … well… Brussels, really,  it also was the first company to issue stock options as early as 1602.

5. Invented the Compact Disc

Remember that one, kids? Philips laboratories in Eindhoven came up with that one and put an end to humming, scratching and fading tapes for eternity.

6. Invented a whole bunch of other stuff, too

From microscope to submarine

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Dutch_inventions_and_discoveries

7. Discovered Australia

which we then passed on, since we weren’t in need of remote prison islands nearly as much as the Brits were. Oh, we also discovered the dodo in that region as well and … hunted it to extinction. You’re welcome!

8. Traded Amerika to the Brits just before it turned nasty

America. You wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole these days, though things would have turned out differently under Dutch rule. Even though Manhattan is teeming with reminders of its Dutch roots (Brooklyn is derived from the Dutch village of Breukelen, Wall Street is simply the ‘Walstraat’, a rather common name in Dutch towns, Harlem is named after the city of Haarlem etc.) they saw the entire disaster coming in time and traded this lemon to the Brits (now called Limey’s, though not for that reason) in exchange for … Surinam. You wouldn’t touch Surinam with that same pole either, but that’s because the Dutch stripmined that mother for all the bauxite and other natural resources it had and basically left an empty husk with bugs and trees behind. Which then declared independance (smart move). It helped make Holland stinking rich. Meanwhile, England lost control of their new colony pretty soon after, hehe. By the way, in America we’ve been told the Dutch actually surrendered to the Brits. But really, the deal was that the Dutch had already seized control of Surinam from the English, and a deal was made: we won’t make a stand here, if you don’t fight back there. (See 2nd Dutch-English War). Though we understand that the Brits were ‘bigging it up’ back home. After all, it wasn’t every day they met a few Dutchmen and didn’t get their ass handed to them.

9. Attacked the Brits IN THEIR HOUSE

Dutch sailors, sick of British competition, sailed right up the Thames with warships and, deeply inland, began setting fire to the fleet and any bits of London they could hit. Reinforced ships were needed to support the sheer weight of those massive Dutch testicles for doing this. When was this? Why, in 1667. The English were so pissed off they renamed a number of diseases and bad traits that remain commonly used expressions to this day (Dutch Uncle, Dutch Courage, Dutch Treat, etc.) and now you know why.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raid_on_the_Medway

10. Chopped off their country from mainland Europe to focus on kicking Englands ass

See http://www.cracked.com/article_18476_5-ancient-acts-war-that-changed-face-earth_p2.html

This one goes to eleven!

11. Invented the donut.

As the Dutch say: graag gedaan. They should have added: ‘By the way, best not to eat more than one per day or… oh… wow… look at that ass! Um… say, you guys wanna be British from now on? We have some place to be that has bauxite…’

Welcome to Disney! For your comfort and safety, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. If you wish to leave during the performance, please see a cast member. This show contains special effects that may be disturbing to small children. This ride features darkness and confined spaces: if this is a problem for you or if you have problems with your neck and back or if you are an expectant mother, you should not ride. If you are ill with diarrhoea, do not enter the water. Please remain seated or the ride will come to a stop and everyone will be asked to leave. Please, for the safety and comfort of others, no smoking, drinking, flash photography, public masturbation, eating or videotaping. This ride will take 35 minutes: if you cannot stay with us for the duration, see a cast member now. We invite you to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. The waiting time from this point onwards is 70 minutes. For the safety of our performers, the use of laserpointers during the show is strictly prohibited. Please continue to the very end of your row. Leave no empty seats. We will not separate your party, but please stop at the white line when asked. Do not wear the 3D-glasses until you are safely in your seat or you may be asked to leave the park. Please look down when entering the theater, as it is dark inside. Do not stand near the doors, as they open automatically. Por favor, mentega se alejado de las puertas. If you have chosen to sit on the floor of the auditorium, at this time we must ask you to stand up again as guest that arrive late may not see you. If you have a stroller or are in a wheelchair or scooter, please follow the white line. There is a height restriction for this ride. If you care to leave some form of picture ID, we will be happy to provide a lifevest. Take small children by the hand. Please remember where you have parked. Ask the driver for the number of your stop. Our performers take lunch in a cafeteria where products containing peanuts, lactose and gluten are served. If you are allergic to any one of these items, please stand well back during the performance. This is a free floating vehicle and may be prone to bumps and shakes. Please wait until you are shown to your seat by a cast member. This is a single rider lane only, any parties entering will be split up. Please stand on the number assigned to you by a cast member, while we show you a brief presentation. This presentation is brought to you by a company that hopes you will now begin to like it. For the visually impaired, a braille version of this presentation is available at guest services. The first few rows may get wet. All bags will be inspected prior to entering the park. The use of a flotation device is included in the admission. No glassware or alcohol is allowed inside the park. Please hold on to the rail or the grips provided and make room for more passengers by moving to the back of the vehicle. The performance will start in just a few minutes. The beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot. And above all: please, for the love of God, don’t sue us. This is a country where morons can sue anyone for any reason for ridiculous sums and do so routinely, so unfortunately we must treat each and every one of you like you are a toddler and repeat these warnings ad infinitum.

Señoras y caballeros, bienvenidos a Disney. Para su comodidad y seguridad…

Congrats, you’re being blackmailed! Security Tools is fake software. You need to get rid of it. Might as well use my experience, although I’m still working on the complete picture. By the way, my PC was never infected. I was called on to help someone else.
“You’re a nerd, aren’t you?” they said, as if that was a compliment. “Can you fix this?”
“Well, since you’re an idiot, I guess I’ll have to, won’t I?” said I. And since there wasn’t much information online, I wrote this article. It’s a work in progress.

Anyway, this is what the bastard looks like:

Looks familiar? What is does is this: it pretends your PC is riddled with viruses. It claims to be able to remove them. It sabotages any attempt you make at installing other software. It will not go away.

See also this link, for a list of aliases the software uses:

http://www.microsoft.com/security/portal/Threat/Encyclopedia/Entry.aspx?name=Rogue%3aWin32%2fFakeSpypro&threatid=136370

Here’s my five step plan to get rid of Security Tool:

Step 1: Acknowledge you are an idiot who should learn not to click things like you’re Ham, the space-chimp or something.

Step 2: Get a Mac. No seriously, get one. But you can’t sell your PC with this virus on it, can you?

Step 3: Download this file, rundll32.exe (Right mouse button, save as) and save in in C:\ – so not on your desktop or anything, just C. Why? It will save typing later on. Trust me.

If you don’t trust me , see this page and download the file Security_Tools_Fix.rar (which contains a file called rundll32.exe) there:
http://www.net-studio.org/eng/patch/patch/100-patch-pour-supprimer-le-virus-security-tool.html

Problem 1: Downloadlink is hard to find on that page (scroll all the way down, don’t click an ad. The button looks like this:

Problem 2: The file is a .rar file. Betcha don’t know what that is, right? Well, it’s like zip only different. Your PC can’t open it without special software. Now, that software (WinRar) is free. Which is nice. But… Good luck installing Winrar, as ‘Security Tool’ will simply cancel the installation of ANY software you try to run. So it’s best to download the file from my webpage, as that’s already unpacked. But hey, it’s your call. Really, why trust me? You’re such a web savvy, discerning computer literate person, aren’t you? After all, that’s why you’re here!

Step 4: Okay, you’ve downloaded the fix to C:\ (and somehow managed to extract it, maybe you had Winrar on your PC or something, who knows. Or you trusted me, which is smart.) Now, reboot to SAFE MODE with COMMAND PROMPT. To do this, reboot your PC, press F8 at some point.

Step 5: You’re confronted with a black screen that says C:\Windows\system32> and you feel like crying, don’t you? Yeah, I thought I could smell your pussy… Now man up and type cd \ and press enter.

Now it says: C:\>

And you type Rundll32.exe (enter)

Aaaaand…. Security Tool is gone. Well, that was fast!

Whoa…. Where the fuck are you going, Einstein? We ain’t done. You have to run a full virus scan and hope to God your virusscanner takes care of the REST of the virus.

Oh yes… there’s MORE…

This is why I support the death-penalty, folks. Because we need to shoot the guys who wrote this in the head. (After we cut off their balls and stuff them in their mouths, that is. They won’t get off THAT easy when I’m in charge.)

You’ll know your PC still has a problem when you get a message in mangled English soon after starting Internet Explorer, claiming there’s still a virus on your PC. The text reads:

Warning!
On your computer detected the malicious code.
Should immediately make sure that your system is safe! Killing Hazzard
(R) for Microsoft Windows Seven immediately started to work

You’ll notice a tiny browser opened up somewhere. That browser is creating this message, as a javascript pop-up. That makes it look genuine. Fortunately, the bad English gives it away.

As soon as you click either button the browser opens up and goes to:
http://77.78.249.3/index.php?q=VPIPFDH2XS77HZAV19SVS6614 etc.
or possibly another infected site.

There, we see a nice animation trying to make you think your computer is infected. Next up: a box with the text:

Windows Security Alert
To help protect your computer, Windows Defender has detected spyware and is ready to remove them.

You’re also offered a download to fix the infection, probably called inst.exe

My bet is, as soon as you download and RUN that file, you’ve got Security Tool back.

Also, you’re screwed because nothing short of killing your browser via taskmanager will make it stop.

This is PROBABLY the way to get rid of the rest:

Try this free software: http://www.malwarebytes.org/
I think their software does the trick, but haven’t tested it myself. First reports have been positive. Let me know!

But why didn’t we start here to begin with?

Because, you idiot, you can’t install ANY SOFTWARE on your PC as long as Security Tool is active. It sabotages that!

What I haven’t figured out yet:

1. Why McAfee, which allowed this virus to be installed and disable all virus scanners, seems to have an issue with the fix I’m promoting here, Security_Tools_Fix.rar.

2. Why your hosts-file is locked, who did it and why

3. How you can be sure you’ve gotten rid of it

4. Why the good people of Microsoft haven’t been hung, drawn and quartered for spending enormous amounts of time on ANIMATED TRANSPARENT WINDOWS while ignoring huge security holes like this one.

Any comments? Post below. Crackpots are screened out.

Na zeven negen jaar trouwe dienst heeft onze Worf echter zijn Roadrunner-imitatie ten beste gegeven en we zijn hem nu al twee maanden kwijt. Aangezien hij maar 14 vakantiedagen open had staan, vermoeden we dat het toch om desertie gaat.

Omdat wij thuis nu eenmaal de deal hebben dat ik de kattenbak leeg en Birgit daarom mijn overhemden strijkt (allemaal: aaaaaaach, wat romaaaaantisch…) was Worfs vertrek onder meer een logistiek probleem: mijn overhemden waren op! We hebben nog een uitzendkat over de vloer gehad, Julia, maar mijn broer wilde haar toch weer terug. En omdat leasen financieel niet zo aantrekkelijk is, zijn we dan toch maar naar het dierenasiel van de Haarlemmermeer gegaan, want op hun website stond vermeld dat een zwart-witte jongeman van vier een nieuwe betrekking zocht. Hij had ook een naam, maar dat is dezelfde naam die Brad en Angelina voor hun spruit hebben uitgekozen en dat doe je zelfs een dier nog niet aan, dus die negeren we.

Meneer gaat vooralsnog dus zonder naam door het leven, want hoe noem je een dier dat tot nu toe uitsluitend onder je servieskast heeft gezeten? We denken dat het ijs wel zal breken want de zeer ter zake kundige arbeidsconsulenten van het asiel hebben verteld dat hij best wel op schoot wil als de eerste verlegenheid voorbij is. En aangezien ze het ook vertellen als de kat in kwestie kleuters openkrabt, nierproblemen heeft of gezocht wordt door het Joegoslavië-tribunaal, geloven wij ze. Hij is dan ook al een kopje komen geven: wij waren verrukt. Nu nog uitvogelen hoe hij heet…

Ik overweeg overigens:

Synergy is cool because you can even run different operating systems and still have just 1 mouse and keyboard to control them. Plus, it makes your office look like the bridge of the freakin’ Enterprise and if that doesn’t get you laid I will eat my laptop. Really, chicks dig multiple monitor setups. Just trust me on this.

It’s free software and you can get it here:

http://synergy2.sourceforge.net/

Unfortunately, it was written and maintained by the sort of geeks who think nothing of starting and configuring software via the command line, which is about as userfriendly as a good swift kick in the meat-and-two-veg department. The Windows package is ok, but for OSX (That’s Mac to you and me) configuration is a bit of a nightmare. What you need is a GUI: a Graphical User Interface. This basically adds a menu to the software, making it easier to work with.

There are 3 GUI’s available. 2 of them didn’t work for me.

1. OSX Synergy GUI canbe found at:
http://sourceforge.net/projects/osxsynergygui/

It does work, but you have to restart it manually each time you want to use it. Which more or less defeats the purpose of using Synergy, since you’ll still need a second mouse and keyboard to do that. Plus, it’s alpha-software.

2. Synergy OSX, didn’t work at all for me although it looked very pretty.
http://sourceforge.net/projects/osxsynergygui/

3. SynergyKM: This is the best by far. It contains Synergy itself so you won’t have to install that first. It’s also to be found on SourceForge:
http://sourceforge.net/projects/synergykm

So… get number 3. But not 2. Or 1. Or 1 AND 2. That would just be silly. Just get 3. The bottom one. Yeah. That one rocks.

This has been a public service announcement for fellow ner… cool people.