10 Geweldige Hollandse Daden

Posted by Martijn on 01/04/2011 in Articles in English, Blog |

Ik heb nog wel eens een goed idee. Zo vond ik dat de komische website Cracked.com wel eens een stukje mocht schrijven over de grootse daden uit ons verleden. Omdat het natuurlijk luie nationalistische flikkers zijn, hebben ze nooit iets met mijn suggestie gedaan. En omdat ik OOK … nou ja, hieronder dan mijn mail aan de redactie. En niet zeiken over spelfouten graag, thijm is mummie nietwaar. Ik heb ‘them’ en ‘us’ nog wel eens verwisseld, maar verder… trouwens, waar zeuren we nog over? Als het je niet bevalt, zet je onderaan maar je correcties.

Hiya, Cracked!

This email is not for publication, but I did want to make a suggestion for a story. I do not, in fact, want to WRITE or research it, as I’m quite rich and famous enough already. But I did jot down some notes that one of your talented writers can certainly use as the basis for an awesome story. Just gimme a ‘story suggested by’ credit, if this is of interest to you. Here we go!

10 Awesome things the Dutch did

Holland. That’s where they ride bikes through red light districts on their way to get either drugs or free abortions, right? Tiny speck on the map, 17 million people and rather too much cheese and tulips for its own good? Well… yes. But  the Dutch kicked some serious ass back in the day and it’s what made them one of the richest, tallest, best educated and happiest people on this planet. Read ‘em and wheep, Yankee-boy! (Yankee, by the way, a contraction of Dutch names Jan and Kees. See what we mean?)

1. Opened Japan up for trade

Can someone else do the legwork on this? Thanks.

2. Created land from sea… in the steam era

Near the city of Haarlem was an inland lake nobody liked all that much. Dem fishies had ‘tude like you would not believe, though it was good for iceskating. Anyway, in 1850 the Dutch said: ‘Listen up lake, enough is enough. Drie up or else.’ The lake called them out on it so the Dutch built four HUGE steamengines and sucked that fucker dry. Today, Schiphol Amsterdam Airport and the municipality of ‘Haarlemmermeer’ (lit. Harlem Lake) are situated on that land, 5 metres below sealevel. If you’re a lake and the Dutch tell you to fuck off, you better start seeping.

3. Built the biggest flood defenses on the planet

The Delta Works were actually supposed to be built sooner, but that pesky WW2 messed up the schedule. Too bad, or they would have prevented the flood of ’51.

4. Created the first multinational

The East India Trading Company, known as the VOC, was the scourge of the Eastern world. Not only did it trade with (or, if at all possible, simply steal from) anyone and everyone east of … well… Brussels, really,  it also was the first company to issue stock options as early as 1602.

5. Invented the Compact Disc

Remember that one, kids? Philips laboratories in Eindhoven came up with that one and put an end to humming, scratching and fading tapes for eternity.

6. Invented a whole bunch of other stuff, too

From microscope to submarine


7. Discovered Australia

which we then passed on, since we weren’t in need of remote prison islands nearly as much as the Brits were. Oh, we also discovered the dodo in that region as well and … hunted it to extinction. You’re welcome!

8. Traded Amerika to the Brits just before it turned nasty

America. You wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole these days, though things would have turned out differently under Dutch rule. Even though Manhattan is teeming with reminders of its Dutch roots (Brooklyn is derived from the Dutch village of Breukelen, Wall Street is simply the ‘Walstraat’, a rather common name in Dutch towns, Harlem is named after the city of Haarlem etc.) they saw the entire disaster coming in time and traded this lemon to the Brits (now called Limey’s, though not for that reason) in exchange for … Surinam. You wouldn’t touch Surinam with that same pole either, but that’s because the Dutch stripmined that mother for all the bauxite and other natural resources it had and basically left an empty husk with bugs and trees behind. Which then declared independance (smart move). It helped make Holland stinking rich. Meanwhile, England lost control of their new colony pretty soon after, hehe. By the way, in America we’ve been told the Dutch actually surrendered to the Brits. But really, the deal was that the Dutch had already seized control of Surinam from the English, and a deal was made: we won’t make a stand here, if you don’t fight back there. (See 2nd Dutch-English War). Though we understand that the Brits were ‘bigging it up’ back home. After all, it wasn’t every day they met a few Dutchmen and didn’t get their ass handed to them.

9. Attacked the Brits IN THEIR HOUSE

Dutch sailors, sick of British competition, sailed right up the Thames with warships and, deeply inland, began setting fire to the fleet and any bits of London they could hit. Reinforced ships were needed to support the sheer weight of those massive Dutch testicles for doing this. When was this? Why, in 1667. The English were so pissed off they renamed a number of diseases and bad traits that remain commonly used expressions to this day (Dutch Uncle, Dutch Courage, Dutch Treat, etc.) and now you know why.


10. Chopped off their country from mainland Europe to focus on kicking Englands ass

See http://www.cracked.com/article_18476_5-ancient-acts-war-that-changed-face-earth_p2.html

This one goes to eleven!

11. Invented the donut.

As the Dutch say: graag gedaan. They should have added: ‘By the way, best not to eat more than one per day or… oh… wow… look at that ass! Um… say, you guys wanna be British from now on? We have some place to be that has bauxite…’

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