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The ultimate solution for spam

Posted by Martijn on 06/11/2007 in Articles in English, Blog |

I have always believed that there is virtually no problem that can’t be solved by the application of a well measured dose of violence. Football hooliganism, for instance, can disappear overnight. All we need to to is find the people on CCTV footage of some recent riots, and execute them. That will be the end of it, guaranteed. (We might have to find the right balance, perhaps it would be more effective to maim them and let them live, so they can tell their story to others for the rest of their lives.)

The same applies to the problem of spam. It would appear cracking down on ‘Spamkings’ such as Jeremy Jaynes and Robert Alan Soloway isn’t stopping others from sending spam, as evidenced by my mailbox this morning. I received over 150 spam items (most of them filtered, thank God) and over 50 spam-entries were made on this site, all of them stopped by another filter. It’s getting waaaaay out of control. So, what to do?

My proposal is this: buying something advertised in spam gets you a bullet in the head. On national TV. First, you have to read out the e-mail that made you buy the item. Then, a volunteer (I’m guessing there are a few million professional sysadmins out there quite keen to put all that Quake and World Of Warcraft-practice to good use) blows your brains out.

Oh please, don’t give me that look. You liked Reservoir Dogs, didn’t you? How is this any different?

It’s simple enough to find the people who actually do buy Viagra or believe they’ve inadvertently received a hot tip for the stock market, or who seriously believe that a complete stranger in Africa has decided he is the only person to be trusted with a large inheritance: the police sends its own spam. Entrapment, indeed! Click the link, enter your credit card number and you’ve had it. I’m guessing two or three executions will be enough, at least for a year or two. And we’d be doing the gene pool a favor by removing these retards.

I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is. Give me a gun and point me towards the asshole who’s actually bought some penis extension herbs or a fake Rolex. I’ll happily blast his nuts off and watch him bleed to death. I’m guessing V1agr@ sales via mail will be virtually nonexistent the next day. And if not, what have we lost? Our humanity? People who say that should deal with my spam for a week…

Vote Warnas – Violent Solutions For A Better World.

Spamfilter in operation

Next week: how to deal with Islamic Fundamentalists and tailgaters. Don’t read it on a full stomach, okay?

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