Last update: 26/04/2004
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NEED A NEW GIRLFRIEND?
Well it's been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR,
Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced,
and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU
decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend
for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product
which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby
factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a
girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are
able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics - if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a
good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end
model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester
clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when
considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a
girlfriend can be financed, we do not recommend this practice; due to
inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase*
with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get
a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
| Your age |
Used or New |
| 1-12 years |
(see note A) |
| 13-16 years |
New |
| 17-21 years |
Used, but not used up |
| 22-35 years |
Used heavily |
| 35-60 years |
New (see note B) |
| 60+ |
(see note A) |
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage
that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the
disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking
account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable
performers, with the initial problems worked out, but we advise that you
avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).
Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend
was a professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern
will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such
items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will
only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped
with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In
such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and
disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later,
while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride
ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the
simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance
with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and
I want to leap you, Faith!"). We rate as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll
look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and
acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and
how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm
adaquately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery
time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live
in), and we question the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access
to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend
anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at our specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity. Within
each catagory, variation is not statistically significant.
| Category |
Comments |
| Goddess |
This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle
points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of raquetball, understand
what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental
or physical hangups. The drawback is that this model is not actually
available. |
| Goddess-in-law |
This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual
retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alchololic
father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. |
| Ms. Right |
The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the
wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term
investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally
be found with luck. |
| Babe |
This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately
this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable
for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term
girlfriend needs. |
| Friend |
The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't
be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality. |
| Yeah, Her |
The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as
a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to
be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish. |
Until you find her, we at the
SVVL wish you Happy Hunting!
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